Death and the mall

We dropped off Jess at the airport on Saturday and then were driving to Valley Fair Mall — Frank wanted to go to a store in there. I started thinking about my mom in the car right after we dropped off the sis. I was at that mall when my dad called to tell me, about 6 hours after her accident. I remember asking him if he went to see her at the hospital and he was trying to tell me she didn’t make it to the hospital and all I could think was why didn’t she go to the hospital? I thought at first she was just hurt. And how sad that no one visited her. I couldn’t really understand my dad. What was wrong with my mom? Did they really do everything they could? How did they know she didn’t need to go to the hospital? And how come they didn’t call us? How could they not have our contact information? They said it took some time to find my father’s information so for a while my mom was just some body with no identifiable loved ones to claim her.

I remember being mad at Frank for not coming out to get me. I had to call my dad back because I couldn’t hear him when he first called me but knew enough to be scared. I ran outside to call him back. I was out there for so long, I thought for sure Frank would come get me. I didn’t want to go back in so wet and sad. But he didn’t come out and I was mad cause I needed him, but I knew he was just respecting my privacy.

I went home and tore through everything looking for photos of her. I listened to her New Year’s Eve message over and over again. I found these stamps she’d given me with her handwriting on the package. I missed her so much I didn’t know what it would do to me. And now, it seems so far away. But every now and again, I pull it close. Cause I don’t want to let her go.

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